The babes are snoozing (one will be up sooner than later), and I have a few minutes of peace to myself.
Thinking about the future and what I want...
Right now I am not anywhere near where I thought I would be when I was transitioning from high school into the "real world."
Since I don't have many readers, I feel comfortable just writing out what's on my heart and mind without worrying about comments or approval from anybody.
I used to update a dream binder with visions of what I thought would be my life. I wanted to work myself up to chief of surgery at a major medical center. I also wanted to use my medical know how in the mission field. Of course I also wanted to be married and have children in this dream, but things have changed.
I have my BSN, and this came in a very strange way. I wasn't sure of what I wanted, but nursing seemed "safe." I am not speaking of job security, but of flexibility. I had other majors in college before nursing, but decided that for what I was doing, this was the best way to go. I have extremely diversified interests, and though I don't greatly excel in any one area, I am one of those people who can become skilled and proficient in anything, and I ENJOY lots of things. I enjoy English literature and calculus alike.... Geology to pathophysiology. It's both a blessing and a curse. At least it feels that way.
Of course, this is where I met my husband, so if I hadn't joined the BSN program, I would not have met my husband, and we would not be married with two beautiful kiddos. Still, there is the rub. I've fallen into what many people fall into, and that is settling. I hate to use that term, because I don't FEEL as if I have settled. I still have my dreams and desires, but I am not there. I know desires change, but how much? Money is a huge barrier.
I would still like to go to medical school in the future, but that costs big $$ and with a family and house now, it would be slow going. Still, I am wondering if my desires are just wants, or if it's passion in me? It doesn't feel like passion, so perhaps it isn't what I've really wanted. I am jaded with hospitals. I've seen the nature of the beast (healthcare and hospitals) from the inside out, and you know what? It sucks.
My ma told me something my dad had said to her once that was saddening. He said something to the effect of "You know, I love that Michelle and Brian love each other and have two babies and are happy, but I also know that Michelle had dreams and I don't think she is ever going to get there."
That just about broke my heart. I mean on the one hand, my dad and I have never had that close father daughter relationship, and there are many things he doesn't know/understand about me, but on the other hand, have I not settled? Have I not settled into a career that is maddening? I cannot say I settled with my husband or family, because I love them. My husband is wonderful - attractive, loving, attentive, great with the kids, smart, interesting, funny, athletic, yet nerdy and quirky - and I love my babies. Truth be told I am just not happy in nursing. At least, not what I'm doing now. I work on a lovely unit, with wonderful people and interesting patients, but I want a job that I wake up and am excited about doing every day. I've forced a lot of things in life, and am devoted and disciplined to a fault. I stick to things even when it's difficult, but in this instance perhaps I've mistaken error for difficulty. I mean, not everything in life should be easy, but it should at least feel "right." My husband felt "right," and though I didn't have much choice about getting pregnant, the fact that I got pregnant and delivered two healthy babies in the first place leads me to believe they were right as well...but there is MORE out there, and I want it.
SO even if at this point in my life I HAVE settled, the point is, I can change my life. I know it's more difficult with a family, but it's never impossible. Sheesh, I could be a Rockette if I wanted to (no really, I could)!
But would I want to change completely? I am not sure. I have great interest in health, but not conventional medicine - so chief of surgery is probably never going to be my big ticket desire (I think I knew that even when it ended up in my dream book. Though, I am a very determined person and know that if I was determined to become a surgeon, I could and would do it. The drive, however, is not there, and I refuse to force it). I like alternative medicine, but is that my passion? Or another interest?
Should I be asking myself what am I thinking about every day of my life? What if what I think about every day seems like nonsense?
Money is always a barrier as well. Plus, I still have school loans. A house and school loans and kids equals not a lot of money left over for much more schooling for me....What if what I want or what I do does not require more school?
I think I need to brainstorm here. Of course I have left God out of most of this post, but that's how many of my decisions have been made. Of course I've prayed about things, but have I been listening? I definitely need to hear God's voice now more than ever.
I should hit the hay. Baby gets me up to nurse...he will probably be hungry soon!
Thinking about the future and what I want...
Right now I am not anywhere near where I thought I would be when I was transitioning from high school into the "real world."
Since I don't have many readers, I feel comfortable just writing out what's on my heart and mind without worrying about comments or approval from anybody.
I used to update a dream binder with visions of what I thought would be my life. I wanted to work myself up to chief of surgery at a major medical center. I also wanted to use my medical know how in the mission field. Of course I also wanted to be married and have children in this dream, but things have changed.
I have my BSN, and this came in a very strange way. I wasn't sure of what I wanted, but nursing seemed "safe." I am not speaking of job security, but of flexibility. I had other majors in college before nursing, but decided that for what I was doing, this was the best way to go. I have extremely diversified interests, and though I don't greatly excel in any one area, I am one of those people who can become skilled and proficient in anything, and I ENJOY lots of things. I enjoy English literature and calculus alike.... Geology to pathophysiology. It's both a blessing and a curse. At least it feels that way.
Of course, this is where I met my husband, so if I hadn't joined the BSN program, I would not have met my husband, and we would not be married with two beautiful kiddos. Still, there is the rub. I've fallen into what many people fall into, and that is settling. I hate to use that term, because I don't FEEL as if I have settled. I still have my dreams and desires, but I am not there. I know desires change, but how much? Money is a huge barrier.
I would still like to go to medical school in the future, but that costs big $$ and with a family and house now, it would be slow going. Still, I am wondering if my desires are just wants, or if it's passion in me? It doesn't feel like passion, so perhaps it isn't what I've really wanted. I am jaded with hospitals. I've seen the nature of the beast (healthcare and hospitals) from the inside out, and you know what? It sucks.
My ma told me something my dad had said to her once that was saddening. He said something to the effect of "You know, I love that Michelle and Brian love each other and have two babies and are happy, but I also know that Michelle had dreams and I don't think she is ever going to get there."
That just about broke my heart. I mean on the one hand, my dad and I have never had that close father daughter relationship, and there are many things he doesn't know/understand about me, but on the other hand, have I not settled? Have I not settled into a career that is maddening? I cannot say I settled with my husband or family, because I love them. My husband is wonderful - attractive, loving, attentive, great with the kids, smart, interesting, funny, athletic, yet nerdy and quirky - and I love my babies. Truth be told I am just not happy in nursing. At least, not what I'm doing now. I work on a lovely unit, with wonderful people and interesting patients, but I want a job that I wake up and am excited about doing every day. I've forced a lot of things in life, and am devoted and disciplined to a fault. I stick to things even when it's difficult, but in this instance perhaps I've mistaken error for difficulty. I mean, not everything in life should be easy, but it should at least feel "right." My husband felt "right," and though I didn't have much choice about getting pregnant, the fact that I got pregnant and delivered two healthy babies in the first place leads me to believe they were right as well...but there is MORE out there, and I want it.
SO even if at this point in my life I HAVE settled, the point is, I can change my life. I know it's more difficult with a family, but it's never impossible. Sheesh, I could be a Rockette if I wanted to (no really, I could)!
But would I want to change completely? I am not sure. I have great interest in health, but not conventional medicine - so chief of surgery is probably never going to be my big ticket desire (I think I knew that even when it ended up in my dream book. Though, I am a very determined person and know that if I was determined to become a surgeon, I could and would do it. The drive, however, is not there, and I refuse to force it). I like alternative medicine, but is that my passion? Or another interest?
Should I be asking myself what am I thinking about every day of my life? What if what I think about every day seems like nonsense?
Money is always a barrier as well. Plus, I still have school loans. A house and school loans and kids equals not a lot of money left over for much more schooling for me....What if what I want or what I do does not require more school?
I think I need to brainstorm here. Of course I have left God out of most of this post, but that's how many of my decisions have been made. Of course I've prayed about things, but have I been listening? I definitely need to hear God's voice now more than ever.
I should hit the hay. Baby gets me up to nurse...he will probably be hungry soon!
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