Nothing seems to be working out the way we want it to right now.

The seller's bank (the one that said "4-5 business days to look over offer") has taken more than 6 business days (not that I felt like they were going to keep their word anyway), and our mortgage contract expires in a week. If it expires, we would have to reapply for a mortgage and do all that paperwork all over again with out bank...Unfortunately, our mortgage guy said that interest rates have gone up, so we'd be applying at a higher rate. Brian and I have decided that if this were the case, we just are going to let it go and not worry about getting another house until we've saved up more money for a house.

I mean, we've prayed about it, so we both feel at peace with whatever happens. We love this house, we really truly do, but we're over it. We're over the seller's bank stringing us along, and we sure as heaven and hell are not going to reapply for a mortgage at a higher interest rate than the last one when evidently we can apply other places for a lower rate.

We're not irresponsible home buyers. Between Brian and I, we bring home 4-5 paychecks a month, and our mortgage would have been covered with one paycheck. In other words, we could "afford" this house, it's not like we're trying to sucker anybody into lending us more money than what we can handle. We both have good credit (me good, Brian excellent), and we're trying to remove this property from the shoulders of people who cannot afford to maintain it any longer. Evidently, Wells Fargo would rather have this house than sell it to us at fair market value.

So, whatever. I am over this house. I loved it, I still love it - it is perfect for us....but perhaps there is a MORE perfect house out there. It's hard to imagine it now, after being through such a traumatic house buying experience, but I know if we decide to purchase a house that's not a short sale, it will be much better. Apparently all short sales leave people wanting to pull their hair out.

Other than that, I am still clueless about what to do with my job. I don't want to place my kids in daycare or leave them for somebody to watch. I want to be with them, and weekends have been glorious for that purpose - however - I hate working every single weekend of my life. I cannot go to church, which alone is killing me, but we can't afford to not have me work, mostly because of my school loans (irony. It's not that funny).  I know God is listening, I need to listen for His voice. I think we feel as if God is not answering our prayers or listening to us because we cut Him off too quickly, or we're not listening closely enough. Then sometimes He also has delayed answers to prayers. Either way, I'm going to keep on keepin' on, and praying and looking for a place to belong.

I had a fight with my mom today. I am not even sure what happened, all I know is that I don't wish to speak to her for a long while. She is throwing out anger and ultimatums, and I don't understand why. It's like an extreme reaction to I don't even know what....

Hmm...Well, it's the weekend, I am still on maternity leave (thank God. These past weeks have been wonderful), so I intend on enjoying it with my hubby. Babies are getting dedicated this Sunday...Excited :)

Still nothing about the house.

I will continue to resonate my loathing of Wells Fargo bank. They are not people you want to do business with - if you DO have business with them, it's only a matter of time before they do something to pull the proverbial wool over you eyes and push you down a flight of stairs. Ya, I'm serious.

Mind you, this isn't even OUR bank or OUR mortgage that were being fought on - it's the sellers. The bank continues to play games. Remember the whole "respond to our offer in 48 hours or we will close the case?" and Brian and I responded within 24 of those 48 hours, only to find that somebody had already closed the case? The sellers/sellers agent were furious, trying to get the bank to reopen the case. Case has been reopened, but apparently the bank is required by law to counter offer AGAIN, to which they are asking 20k more than what was last agreed upon in the previous case (the one they "closed" 2 hours into our 48 hour deadline). We said "no" and came at them with our last offer, but have no idea if they accepted or rejected it, because THEY get 4-5 days to review our response and to get back to us. Hypocrites, the lot of them...

You may tell me all banks are this way. I will politely remind you that this is NOT the first time I have head butted with Wells Fargo, and after complaining to half of my friends about the bank, have come to find that I am not the only one singing the woes of WF.

That's all I'm going to say about that. Crooks and players, the lot of them.

In other news, I have been working out, and am feeling good. I've lost a few pounds, and have more energy. I've also purchased jeans in a non "plus" size, and can wear them. Exciting! I was so tired of wearing maternity clothing when I am no longer pregnant, but need transition clothing, because I am not down to "pre-pregnancies" (plural - I had one baby right after another - no time in between to drop the weight). I still have further to go, but am on my way.

I am still fasting from sugar, and still waiting for a breakthrough for myself and my family. Still, I found that in fasting, I wasn't really delving into scripture like I need to, as that is half of what fasting entails (hey, you know how it is - you have kids - not even kids, BABIES, and a household to run, time gets away from you....). Still, God knows my heart and what time I have to give, so I need to make sure I give it - Even if it is one hour one day, 30 minutes another day, etcetc...

Finances are always an issue. Brian and I want to be debt free. By debt free, I mean these school loans need to be gone, and we need to be mortgage free (another reason we are no longer singing the praises of this house).

How did debt even become the norm in society anyway? Thank God our cars are paid for, we have money in the bank, jobs to return to day after day, and great insurance.

Speaking of insurance, anesthesiology charged our insurance company $700 for that hack job they did on my back (you know, the epidural that didn't work resulting in a spinal headache forcing me to have to lay flat instead of enjoying the first 24 hours of being with my son, and then having to have ANOTHER "epidural" blood patch done, risking my health just so that I can stand up without having the feeling that tent spikes are being hammered into my skull or having the feeling that I'm about to fall over). I mean, I know they have to charge, because technically they did these procedures which cost that money...but it stinks that somebody has to pay for the incompetence of some cavalier anesthesiologist (he was cavalier, and did not change technique until I asked him what he needed me to do to make it easier for him. Even then, he missed his mark.) I'm telling you pregnant mommies out there - it may be worth it to cast off the fear of pain and live with it. It hurts like hell (giving birth), and may even be the most intense pain you have ever had in your life, but it lasts AT MOST a matter of hours. Stay focused - treat labor as a job. You are there to have a baby - that is the task at hand, that is your job. Focus on breathing and what you need to do to get that little one out faster, because if you focus on that pain, you'll lose it. If you get an epidural, you are adding risk, and risk you probably don't need. I hope I can be strong and hold out next time.

Wow...talk about a rabbit trail....haha :)

Work out

Got my gym membership yesterday, christened it with my first work out today :) Feeling great!

Another post

If anybody has been reading any of my posts lately, it will be no secret to you that I am stressed out - trying to buy a house, stress over what I should do about my job, stress because I have a 5 week old baby and a one and a half year old (the latter of which, is driving me bonkers with her pouting lately, and just getting over being sick).

So, I started reading this book called "Fasting" by Jentezen Franklin. It's just a practical book about fasting and getting closer to God (hearing His voice). It is not stuff I've never heard before, but it is revealing in a whole new way that I've never seen before. I am tired, but what am I really tired of? I know I am tired of feeling like I am tackling everything alone. I am tired of going and going and praying and wondering when I am going to see "breakthroughs" in my life, and fasting seems to be the missing piece of the puzzle. It seems so obvious now. There are all different types of fasts - from denying yourself food AND water for a couple days at a time, to just avoiding food but drinking LOTS of water, to avoiding certain types of food (i.e sugar, snacks, caffeine, meat)...The point is, it has to mean something to you. We don't really eat meat in this family, so for us to fast from meat would be ridiculous. That's the way of fasting.

So, I am going to delve deeper into this book and the Bible and pray about what a meaningful fast would be for me. I am a nursing mother, so perhaps a no sugar fast? I know THAT would mean something to me!

To be continued...

Wells Fargo Idiots

Yet another road block in the purchasing of this house..

Every strain, every stress, has come from the SELLER'S bank, Wells Fargo. First they wait weeks to review the file, then they demand $13,000 extra, then they up that to $14,000, then they wait a few more weeks, and want the seller to go from paying 6% closing cost, to 5% closing cost, and give us a 48 hour window to respond or else they will close the file. We respond within 24 hours, and now we find out that some airhead working on the file closed the file within 2 hours of making the call to our real estate agents.

Now, the seller's agent is hopping mad, and trying to get the bank to look at the file again to figure out what's wrong, or else the bank has to reopen everything FROM THE BEGINNING....

Stress, stress, stress

Baby girl has fever (giving her tylenol and putting her to bed), baby boy is crying his little brains out....Ahh, being a mother is sometimes not all it's cracked up to be :(

It's that time of night...

The babes are snoozing (one will be up sooner than later), and I have a few minutes of peace to myself.

Thinking about the future and what I want...

Right now I am not anywhere near where I thought I would be when I was transitioning from high school into the "real world."

Since I don't have many readers, I feel comfortable just writing out what's on my heart and mind without worrying about comments or approval from anybody.

I used to update a dream binder with visions of what I thought would be my life. I wanted to work myself up to chief of surgery at a major medical center. I also wanted to use my medical know how in the mission field. Of course I also wanted to be married and have children in this dream, but things have changed.

I have my BSN, and this came in a very strange way. I wasn't sure of what I wanted, but nursing seemed "safe." I am not speaking of job security, but of flexibility. I had other majors in college before nursing, but decided that for what I was doing, this was the best way to go. I have extremely diversified interests, and though I don't greatly excel in any one area, I am one of those people who can become skilled and proficient in anything, and I ENJOY lots of things. I enjoy English literature and calculus alike.... Geology to pathophysiology. It's both a blessing and a curse. At least it feels that way.

Of course, this is where I met my husband, so if I hadn't joined the BSN program, I would not have met my husband, and we would not be married with two beautiful kiddos. Still, there is the rub. I've fallen into what many people fall into, and that is settling. I hate to use that term, because I don't FEEL as if I have settled. I still have my dreams and desires, but I am not there. I know desires change, but how much? Money is a huge barrier.

I would still like to go to medical school in the future, but that costs big $$ and with a family and house now, it would be slow going. Still, I am wondering if my desires are just wants, or if it's passion in me? It doesn't feel like passion, so perhaps it isn't what I've really wanted. I am jaded with hospitals. I've seen the nature of the beast (healthcare and hospitals) from the inside out, and you know what? It sucks.

My ma told me something my dad had said to her once that was saddening. He said something to the effect of "You know, I love that Michelle and Brian love each other and have two babies and are happy, but I also know that Michelle had dreams and I don't think she is ever going to get there."

That just about broke my heart. I mean on the one hand, my dad and I have never had that close father daughter relationship, and there are many things he doesn't know/understand about me, but on the other hand, have I not settled? Have I not settled into a career that is maddening? I cannot say I settled with my husband or family, because I love them. My husband is wonderful - attractive, loving, attentive, great with the kids, smart, interesting, funny, athletic, yet nerdy and quirky - and I love my babies. Truth be told I am just not happy in nursing. At least, not what I'm doing now. I work on a lovely unit, with wonderful people and interesting patients, but I want a job that I wake up and am excited about doing every day. I've forced a lot of things in life, and am devoted and disciplined to a fault. I stick to things even when it's difficult, but in this instance perhaps I've mistaken error for difficulty. I mean, not everything in life should be easy, but it should at least feel "right." My husband felt "right," and though I didn't have much choice about getting pregnant, the fact that I got pregnant and delivered two healthy babies in the first place leads me to believe they were right as well...but there is MORE out there, and I want it.

SO even if at this point in my life I HAVE settled, the point is, I can change my life. I know it's more difficult with a family, but it's never impossible. Sheesh, I could be a Rockette if I wanted to (no really, I could)!

But would I want to change completely? I am not sure. I have great interest in health, but not conventional medicine - so chief of surgery is probably never going to be my big ticket desire (I think I knew that even when it ended up in my dream book. Though, I am a very determined person and know that if I was determined to become a surgeon, I could and would do it. The drive, however, is not there, and I refuse to force it). I like alternative medicine,  but is that my passion? Or another interest?

Should I be asking myself what am I thinking about every day of my life? What if what I think about every day seems like nonsense?

Money is always a barrier as well. Plus, I still have school loans. A house and school loans and kids equals not a lot of money left over for much more schooling for me....What if what I want or what I do does not require more school?

I think I need to brainstorm here. Of course I have left God out of most of this post, but that's how many of my decisions have been made. Of course I've prayed about things, but have I been listening? I definitely need to hear God's voice now more than ever.

I should hit the hay. Baby gets me up to nurse...he will probably be hungry soon!

Taken Care Of

So bank still wants the extra money, but the agents are willing to come up with the extra money. It's about $2,000, but that's money Bri and I have to pay for other things concerning the home, you know? So with a little financial maneuvering, we will not have to pay that extra money. Our (the sellers and Brians and my) agents are willing to help come up with the money. Isn't that interesting? Well, it's not that interesting. Everybody wants to get rid of this house (well, except for the bank). Our agent (and family friend) wants her commission for all her hard work I'm sure, and their agent has been trying to sell this house for months...and the people selling the house fixed it up and everything, but then they got a divorce and well, this house has been a financial burden to them since.

Brian and I WANT this house - It's closer to work, and when you commute about 45 minutes to work, that extra 10 minutes makes a difference. Also, this home is still close to my parents, so we can drop the kids off anytime, and they can come over and visit anytime....Plus there is a lot about the inside of the house that we absolutely love...It IS only 3 bedrooms (we were hoping to find 4), but that's the thing - in our price range in our area, houses with 4 bedrooms have an extremely small  4th bedroom, that shouldn't even count as a 4th. At least the three in this house are very large....The yard is large, the home has it's own well and septic. It all works for us. We're excited about it, so hopefully, the bank will shut up from here on out....

Will keep everyone posted....

Wells Fargo Can go Suck an Egg

Wells Fargo, our sellers bank, is now wanting MORE money.

Recap - they asked for $14,000 more a few weeks ago, Brian and I said "no," but between our agent, the seller's agent, and the seller, they were able to come up with more money...It should be noted, that this is money that Brian and I had a budget, and though in theory we could go over and "give in" to bank demands, WE will not be successful savers in life if we blow out our budgets. Houses of this size, with this amount of land, in this present condition, are going for around exactly as much as we offered for it. The bank is living in lala land if it feels it "deserves" more money. When the housing market goes down, everybody loses. Brian and I are buying our first home - we are not going to eat it on this deal...

That was submitted to their bank for approval...

Now the bank is demanding even more money on top of that. Are you kidding me? The only reason they got that "Extra" $14,000 in the first place was because everybody else wants to get that house sold. Brian and I would have walked away. So the answer is still a resounding "NO." If somebody else wants to step in with a few thousand more, that's one thing, but Bri and I certainly will not. It's about our budget and principle.

Of course, short sales don't always leave the bank with much incentive to get rid of a house, so I think they just might want to hold on to it and keep receiving their payments from the prior owners, who are trying desperately to get RID of this house...(It's a great house, but the sellers don't have a reason to stay there).

So, Brian and I may be back at square one. Even though we have a lot of emotions and money tied up in this house already, we knew it was a risk and we're OK with searching still.

If Wells Fargo gets a clue and wants to let the house go, great. If they don't, that's great too, because that gives Brian and I more time to pray about it and to re-strategize.

The whole situation is just stinky though. If anybody out there is buying a short sale home, be forewarned - it could go great, but it could also be a pain in the tooshie. Right now, it's a pain everywhere. I am ticked. We saw the light at the end of the tunnel, and now it feels dark again. But hey, at least we don't have a mortgage.

It's the bank that we see as the evil one. But I guess they didn't make all their monies by giving away houses. Of course, they also suspiciously keep asking for more money (in increments of thousands) each time we come back...I had JUST given birth to Elijah and wasn't even in the post partum unit when my real estate agent called my husband to tell us the bank wanted $13,000 more. By the time we went to get back to them, that amount had increased to over $14,000...We got back to them when the sellers and the agents fronted the money, and now they want a few thousand more...The thing is, it's not going to stop here. There could be something else, and then something else, and then this expense and that expense....

They are not "up front" about anything. So I don't care if the bank is a business, they are doing bad business and they can go suck an egg. If they don't want to get rid of this house, Brian and I will find someplace else....

I am hating on MAC right now, for making it oh so easy for me to accidently DELETE a rant I wrote about Wells Fargo bank.

Here is the long and short of what my rant had to do with. Wells Fargo owns the seller's loan on the home Brian and I are purchasing. They got back to our agents weeks ago saying they wanted more money than what the seller and Brian and I agreed on. Brian and I said "no, we are not paying a dime more for that house. It's not worth more than that." It was never our responsibility anyway - It's money the sellers owe, not us. Still the sellers said they could not come up with the money.  It was actually a relief for a moment, until the sellers came up with some money, and the agents are putting up some of their commission to buy the house. All this happened in the first few days from getting that information. Wells Fargo has NOT contacted anybody back, which makes me wonder WHAT IS THEIR MALFUNCTION? They HAVE a department that deals with short sales, and this should be the end of the road for them as far as this house is concerned. They need to get on the ball. It's been weeks. But I don't expect much from Wells Fargo - this is the same bank that bought out one of my student loans, and when I paid two times in one month on a loan, it subsequently called each payment after that I made "late" (my payments were and are NEVER late), yet for months this was happening, all the while I was unawares (because I was making my payments ON TIME) until I noticed my credit score took a hit.

Needless to say I am not a fan of Wells Fargo. They are not my loan people, and I will never do banking with them after my school loan is paid off.

Now, this HOUSE is driving me mad. I don't even know if I want it anymore. Of course I fell in love with the house - it is perfect for Brian and I, but this is a headache, it is a pain in the butt, and nothing seems to be going through. I feel like it's a curse everybody is trying to get rid of now...Except the bank. They seem to want to keep it. Maybe we should just let them have it...